The art of Integral Coaching
After enjoying some lo mein a few years ago, I opened a fortune cookie and read the simple, yet powerful message inside: “When it is dark, you can see the stars.” I kept it and placed it on my bathroom counter.
I look at it often.
It is in our nature to move away from what we fear and causes us pain, and to instead, seek what makes us feel safe and happy. Such instincts help us to survive and hold the promise to point us in a direction where we can thrive. From a very young age, we learn to pay attention to cues for what will earn us praise and reward, what will keep us accepted as part of the ‘pack.’ The alternative is just too terrifying.
As we grow, our understanding of the world, of ourselves and of others is constantly evolving and becomes more complex. Family life, cultural and social conditioning, and arguably, the legacy of our own ancestry, shape our our thoughts, emotions and behaviors. Over time, we form beliefs about – and act upon – expectations and standards we deem worthy of our attention and conformation. These dynamics form an intricate and weighty tapestry that somehow winds its way around us, not unlike a mummy’s very tight, head-to-toe bandages.
Unconsciously as the years pass, we adopt as our own these assumptions, beliefs and the mannerisms that they encourage. The way they cumulatively affect us shows up in our bodies – the way we react to stressors, our physical shape, our movements, our expressions and so forth.
The knock-on effect of these phenomena is massive. This silent ongoing process that is part and parcel with our day-to-day reality plays itself out in a host of ways. It affects our mental and physical health; the potential and possibilities we can see for ourselves; how we interact with and form relationships with others; what we expect from relationships; how we lead and develop others; how much we enable ourselves to grow over time; and so much more. Ultimately, it impacts the marks we leave on others, on organizations and on the world.
I find it fascinating that we learn little about these dynamics in our years of required schooling and rarely broach such topics in our workplaces. It is as though the ‘inner’ and ‘outer’ aspects of our lives have between them a proverbial ‘third-rail’ that should not be crossed in the public spheres of life. Instead, we tend to simply observe, judge (or performance rate) and occasionally treat the symptoms of what effectively comprises a core, central part of human existence and helps define the human condition. No one can escape the mummification process, if you will. It is inevitable and happens over the course of years.
Bottom line: our suffering is real, and in many ways, totally uncessary.
Case-in-point: After experiencing hardcore professional burnout for the second time, I decided it was time to break the cycle.
For me, rising up from the ashes of burnout came in the form of forays into self-development. At the behest of a close friend, I attended a serendipitous workshop at a yoga and wellness center that challenged me to see my role in how I looked at my day-to-day reality and how that influenced my mindset and behavior. I devoured “Unfu*k Yourself: Get Out of Your Head and Into Your Life” by Gary Johnson Bishop. Yes, that is the title, and yes, I read it. And I focused on identifying the voice of – and increasingly – slaying my inner critic.
Amidst these little breakthrough moments, I had the opportunity to work with an executive coach over several months. It was a privilege, and it was transformational.
To start, the coaching experience involved a mind-body-heart approach that was deep, emotional, impactful and perspective-and-behavior changing – even to this day. These – and other supportive experiences and resources – led me to truly wake up to this incredible life that I’m in now and start living with true agency.
Agency is the sense of control that you feel in your life, your capacity to influence your own thoughts and behavior, and have faith in your ability to handle a wide range of tasks and situations. Your sense of agency helps you to be psychologically stable, yet flexible in the face of conflict or change.
As my layers of veneer (a/k/a bandages) started peeling away, increasingly, I could feel and see the freshness that was me underneath it all. Others did as well. I was feeling lighter and able to be more resilient in the face of inevitable challenges and frustrations.
Over time, I’ve made time for a steady stream of self-nourishment through intentionally cultivated habits to accelerate this integration. This includes mindfulness practice, regular exercise and healthy eating – as well as making time for creative pursuits (in my case, art and music, playing with my kids and family) and seeking out points of view that expand my thinking and influence how I show up in life.
These experiences convinced me to build upon these epiphanies and shifts in how I was responding to life – as well as on my passion for leading and developing others. I knew I would become a coach at some point in my career as a way to give these sorts of gifts to others.
Several years later, as an Integral Coach® and ICF-credentialed executive coach, I support clients by using methods that attend to their whole life, helping them not just to achieve goals, but to develop competencies so they can be self-generating. Common topics for which people seek coaching are work issues, health or relationship challenges, wanting to start or stop a habit, or transitions of any kind.
For example, a person may come to coaching because of a challenge in one area of life (e.g., work). I look for what might be underlying the particular challenge and where else it is showing up in life. Then, I work with the individual not only to understand the deeper issue, but also to develop greater skill to meet challenges in all domains. Ultimately, a coaching relationship that began about work may result in improvements in relationships, health and other areas.
Coaching is core to my commitment to pay it forward to others. Instead of hyper-focusing on achievement as I did for many years before, I am intent on being of service to others and seek to leave a lasting legacy.