Want life/work balance? Get intentional.

It’s easy to say but feels utterly impossible to many: life/work balance.

A key reason why this is so challenging is the unspoken yet implied expectation that one should be able to figure out how to ‘have it all’ as everything falls into its place.

I’m calling out this long sought-after vision of ‘balance’ as the unhelpful, distracting mirage that it is. In fact, for some people it’s so counterproductive that a constant quest for it can lead to its own special breed of fear of missing out (“FOMO”), unhappiness and stress (or worse).

I base my point of view on certain unshakable truths:

The struggle and the very human themes underneath it are real.

Whether you are an executive or an individual contributor, a business owner or a stay-at-home parent, chances are you feel that there are not enough hours in the day to get to most of the things you want to accomplish or progress upon. On top of this, you may notice that foundational fundamentals, such as being fully present while caregiving, tending to relationships and nurturing your own wellbeing, routinely get shortchanged.

I consistently hear from clients about these ongoing challenges and the myriad of feelings that accompany them – frustration, resentment, guilt, failure, to name a few. It can feel like one is running a never-ending journey on an exercise wheel in a gerbil’s cage. As the cherry on top, many professionals tend to prioritize work obligations over most everything else, whether they do so consciously or not.

These collective dynamics can spark a chain reaction that erodes one’s quality of life and leads to missed opportunities and dreams deferred. As part of this, sleep patterns can get out of whack, eating habits become haphazard, energy levels can be stubbornly low, patience runs thin and relationships in and out of the workplace become strained or an after-thought. High quality time with partners, children, family members, friends and community members becomes spotty or seems elusive. Regular exercise, hobbies, recreation and time to relax or just be all take a back seat. Meanwhile, a long task list looms ever-present and each professional ‘at-bat’ feels like it can make-or-break one’s career. And somewhat ironically, the same individuals who put work on a pedestal often end up feeling like they’re still not getting where they want to be professionally quickly enough.

Yikes.

“It will all work out when …”

In Western culture, often riding alongside us in our daily lives is a phenomenon that’s called “the island where it all works out.” Simply put, it is when we believe that our main problems will be solved and everything will be great once a particular thing in the future happens (e.g., a key accomplishment is achieved, a certain milestone is reached, a specific point in time arrives). To illustrate, here are some examples of what ‘the island’ can look like: “I’ll stop driving hard for every ‘win’ at work and enjoy the money I’ve saved when I make partner at the firm,” “I’ll make time for myself and my spouse once the kids graduate from college,” or “As soon as we pay off the mortgage, my stress-level will come down and I can consider what I really want to do for a living.”  

But as is typical to human nature, once you arrive at that sought-after destination, there’s always another tantalizing island that suddenly appears off in the distance.  

I offer that the voyage to the illusory island where the stereotypical life/work balance is achieved and sustained isn’t worth the time, effort and empty disappointment that awaits your arrival there.

The dynamics fueling the unending quest for balance are uniquely personal.

So, why do we feel compelled to worship at the altar of the false god of what should be effortless and harmoniously balanced life and work? While cultural dynamics are at play (and are arguably, the most unrealistic in America, with our national admiration for hard driving, self-made individualism), the ultimate answers are specific to each of us. And they tend to remain hidden unless we have the inspiration and courage to unearth and get curious about them. 

We each have our own unique tapestry of lived experiences; cultural, social and family dynamics and conditioning; biological make-up; and ancestral lineage (along with its own special ‘baggage’). As part of this, we tend to be heavily influenced by our parents’ or caregivers’ beliefs, expectations, standards and habits, and in fact, tend to adopt many of them – often unconsciously – as our own over time.

As an added twist, a looming question that follows many of us across the arc of our lives is, “How much is enough?” This question comes into play in ways specific to each of us (e.g., achievement, money, love, praise, physical attractiveness). In turn, this nagging and usually unspoken question deepens the friction involved in seeking to attain the illustrious balance between life and work. (Remember the island where it all works out?)

The push and pull of our often-competing needs and desires can make the Holy Grail of life/work balance a particularly attractive and worthy aspiration. But fixation on its pursuit can lead to or exacerbate already unrealistic expectations and standards. Then, when we can’t achieve what we hold dear – or hold onto it long enough – we tend to beat up on ourselves and criticize or lash out at others and the world around us. The results can be manifold, but one thing is certain – the steady and potentially toxic stream of negative emotions that accompanies this inner war.

Enough.

Start reclaiming your time, sanity and Self.

What’s a constructive alternative to the tantalizing promise of, and hopeful striving involved in trying to consistently keep our proverbial life/work seesaw level?

I regularly support clients in becoming intentional about where they spend their precious time, attention and energy. This includes seeing the otherwise never-ending juggling act for what it is, stepping aside from the bottomless pits of unrealistic expectations and standards in our path, and getting focused on what truly matters. At its core, this involves embracing the power of making and honoring trade-offs, which are inherently personal and inevitably change over time.

It may sound easy, but doing this takes ongoing commitment to a few key things:

 1)    Keeping what matters most to you and motivates you front-and-center. There’s no substitute for knowing thyself. Examining freshly your values; exploring your unique gifts, strengths and purpose; and understanding what holds you back from having and experiencing more of what you truly want in life are all essential work that no one can do for you. If you have a spouse or partner, this is work best done over time in open dialogue and close alignment with each other.

The years go by fast. Do the math with a timeline in front of you as you lay out the things you want to make time for – and prepare for the sobering effect. Intention and attention are essential.

 2)    Hanging up your cape. Let’s face it: the striving involved in being a superhero is exhausting and leaves you worse off for the wear. It’s hard to be your best self for others when you’re constantly holding yourself up to unsustainably high standards. The fundamental truth is that we are each born with inherent value. While we are each no doubt critically important to many people in our lives, we can’t fixate on be everything to everybody or there’s nothing left to nourish and support ourselves. That’s a death spiral.

And leaders, while you’re focused on winning each battle and saving the day (again) at the office, you’re likely keeping others around you from stepping up, taking risks, shining brightly and growing.

 3)    Managing your inner critic. The judge of self, others and circumstances is alive and well to varying degrees in all of us. And this inner critic’s voice sounds exactly like our own until we’ve been conditioned to see how it masquerades as us. Learning how to identify and effectively manage your inner critic takes commitment and can be hard work, but it is the ultimate gift that keeps on giving. Being able to increasingly choose what you let ‘get under your skin’ – no matter from where the stimulus comes – is incredibly freeing and empowering.

 4)    Giving yourself grace. Perfection is never a sustainable goal. A focus on trying to perfect every action or outcome does significantly more harm than good. The punchline is that you do not need to get an “A” on every assignment and in every class in the school of work and life. Trying to do so is a recipe for burnout, ever-present feelings of dissatisfaction and inadequacy, an unwillingness to take risks, and for some, a lingering sense of feeling unappreciated and resentful.

Cultivating a wellspring of grace for ourselves so that it can be easily accessed in our day-to-day lives is critical. Doing so in an authentic and ongoing way is rooted in understanding how we’re each wired. This enables us to better recognize the patterns (i.e., beliefs, mindsets, behaviors) that no longer serve us and increasingly choose a path of self-compassion that helps us to ‘change the channel’ and invite in a host of new possibilities.

 I’ve learned from personal experience that the benefits of living in the way that I have described can be eye-opening, significant and life-changing. For years, I dutifully donned my own cape each day, convinced that I could power through figuring out the way to have it all without having to make real, honest trade-offs, own what’s truly important to me and my family, and know what I am / we are willing to sacrifice.

 The additional upshot of this hard-earned wisdom? It’s been incredibly freeing to realize that my happiness and sense of peace have never been held hostage by anyone, any career or any organization – they are up to me.

 No one can take away your power unless you hand it to them.

We each have immense discretion and personal agency in making the choices that enable us to chart our own path and open up to the synchronicities that abound when we get intentional, tap into our intuition, listen to our hearts and enable our minds to be clear.

 So, this is my invitation to you: No more FOMO, no more missed opportunities, no more dreams deferred.